I stopped lying to myself

I stopped lying to myself the other day. I decided to own up to myself and admit to me that I AM depressed. Im not saying that I am super depressed but I am admitting that I am somewhat depressed and now have to deal with it. Who wouldnt be in our situation? NO, we dont have it as "bad" as some other families do but yes, our situation does suck sometimes.

Kyle has gone to see a doctor about his back pain and we all have come to the conclusion that his pain is basiclly coming from his depression also. Yesterday he started meds and hopefully he will start feeling better in the next few weeks.

I on the other hand am still on the fence about starting meds. I actually think that part of my issue is my hormone levels. I have had low estrogen before and it made me feel bad. I plan on seeing if that is the cause or not and fixing it if it is and if not then I will see a doc about gettin some sort of antidepressant.

NO, I dont think that meds are the LONG term answer but I DO think that it will help Kyle and I thru this time in our lives.

Dont get me wrong, I love my son but sometimes his "medically challanging" self gets me down. I try to stay positive when he is around but it seems like that when it is just me and Kyle then I let my guard down and that " down" person is ALL that Kyle ever gets to see. I feel like I can be "myself" with him but I also dont want him to always see that part of me.

I struggle with that every day. I also struggle with the pesimistic side of me that asks if I will ever be "stress-free" or atleast semi stress free. What if my life is doomed to be so stressful that I am depressed my whole life? I have seen that happen and dont want to be there. I will do anything it takes to NOT end up there.

I try to come out of my Deep Dark Down place quickly but soemtimes it is a serious struggle.


I am a semi-religious person but I find myself asking God to help me thru this day more and more. God, Please help me put my life back together. Please let my marriage be what it was before all this stress. Please make my son feel better. Please Please Please. I just dont know how to do it so i am leaving it up to you. Help me!

My baby, My life, My world

Its Sunday morning and we have been up since 7am. Well, I have been up since 7. Brayden woke up screaming this morning from gas pains and is now fast asleep beside me on the couch. As I sit hit and type, I am feeding my sleepy baby thru his G tube.

I have come to realize and accept that my world no longer revolves around me and Kyle, but it revolves soley around Buddy. I have know this for a while but for some reason it just hit me. My thoughts a constanly of him. I am always thinking about something....when meds need to be refilled, when his next appt is, how many calories has he gotten today, when is his next appt ( nephro, uro, GI, peds), is it Thursday? ( thursday is Epo day), who is supposed to keep Buddy on my next work day, what is post transplant going to be like, will he be a "normal" boy?
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Seems like that is ALL that is on my mind. Some where in the vast abiss of my mind, I manage to keep ALL of his latest lab values, formula needs, work schedule, kyle's work schedule, birthdays, anniversaries, drug doses, weights, kilograms, medicines, work stuff, home stuff, and a BILLION more things. I am trully amazed at what my brain seems to hold! But that is beside the point. My point ( hidden somewhere in this blog of rambleing) is that I feel like I have to remember so many things and I am terrified that I will forget just one of them and that will in some way mess him up. I know it is not my responsibility to know EVERYTHING but I feel like I have to or somebody else might screw up.

HERE IS WHAT IS ON MY MIND

I am scared to death of transplant day.
I dont know why but I do know why....I have to give my son and the love of my life away to the surgeons and I dont like that feeling. I am a control freak and I dread that day more than any day I could think of. ...... It will also be a wonderful day too but I am scared to death!!!

Will my marriage ever get back to what it was?
I spend so much time and energy thinking/worrying/ doing things for Buddy that I dont have enough energy to spend with Kyle. He is suffering from it and I just dont know how to find the time to spend with him without cutting out something for Brayden. I just dont know how it is done

Will I ever be able to loose this weight?
I weigh now as much as I did the day I delivered my baby boy. I had lost back to pre pregancy weight but have ballooned back up and it is killin me. I just dont have enough hours in the day, If I could just work out a few min a day I could loose it but that would me I would have to get up at 330 every morning.....that aint happenin!!
Will Buddy be "normal" after transplant?
I just dont know about all of this stuff, I just wish I could have a magic eight ball that would tell me what was going to happen.
I wish all of my " dialysis" mommy friends could get together....how do we do that?


Well, My hubby just woke up and the baby is asleep so I am going to cook him some breakfast.....