I stopped lying to myself the other day. I decided to own up to myself and admit to me that I AM depressed. Im not saying that I am super depressed but I am admitting that I am somewhat depressed and now have to deal with it. Who wouldnt be in our situation? NO, we dont have it as "bad" as some other families do but yes, our situation does suck sometimes.
Kyle has gone to see a doctor about his back pain and we all have come to the conclusion that his pain is basiclly coming from his depression also. Yesterday he started meds and hopefully he will start feeling better in the next few weeks.
I on the other hand am still on the fence about starting meds. I actually think that part of my issue is my hormone levels. I have had low estrogen before and it made me feel bad. I plan on seeing if that is the cause or not and fixing it if it is and if not then I will see a doc about gettin some sort of antidepressant.
NO, I dont think that meds are the LONG term answer but I DO think that it will help Kyle and I thru this time in our lives.
Dont get me wrong, I love my son but sometimes his "medically challanging" self gets me down. I try to stay positive when he is around but it seems like that when it is just me and Kyle then I let my guard down and that " down" person is ALL that Kyle ever gets to see. I feel like I can be "myself" with him but I also dont want him to always see that part of me.
I struggle with that every day. I also struggle with the pesimistic side of me that asks if I will ever be "stress-free" or atleast semi stress free. What if my life is doomed to be so stressful that I am depressed my whole life? I have seen that happen and dont want to be there. I will do anything it takes to NOT end up there.
I try to come out of my Deep Dark Down place quickly but soemtimes it is a serious struggle.
I am a semi-religious person but I find myself asking God to help me thru this day more and more. God, Please help me put my life back together. Please let my marriage be what it was before all this stress. Please make my son feel better. Please Please Please. I just dont know how to do it so i am leaving it up to you. Help me!
(((Jenny))) I have asked so many times if this worry and stressing out is the rest of my life. Tara and I have talked about this so many times. We should really call you and we can all three comiserate about this. Life after transplant is so much better in some ways (the non throwing up, not worrying about labs quite as bad, etc) and then in some ways it is just as hard. I also, especially while we were waiting, would cry to God and tell him I can't do it by myself. you have to take over! again (((Jenny))) you are an awesome mama and I'm sure we will both find a way to be real people again. : )
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I was very depressed when we first found out Santino had renal failure (inutero at 24 wks). We have another son who is 6 with PUV as well and we didn't think this would happen to us again. Well it did and a lot worse! I asked God why? Why is this happening to us? I won't know why here but I'm sure there is a purpose. It is hard dealing with all the med stuff and hearing him gag all the time. I just want to kiss him and make him better. I remind myself that he could have gone straight to heaven but he is here with us. I get to see him smile, feel his soft skin, smell his baby smell (when he doesn't smell like stomach acid), and all his milestones. I thank God that he gives me strength each day. This is just a small portion of our lives. It will get better. I know sometimes it feels like it will never end. God is good and He is with you Jenny. You will be in my prayers. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteYvette